Friday, November 20, 2009

Kraft: What the fuck happened to my ranch dressing?

Every since my childhood I have been mesmerized by the power of ranch dressing, and it's versatility. I mean let's be serious... You can put ranch on every damn thing, from salads, to fries, to burgers, to pizza, the applications are simply ENDLESS.

Well, for some reason the people over at Kraft foods decided to bring the joy of ranchites world wide to a end, when they announced they had changed to a "natural recipe." Now, most of us would think, OK whatever that's great because now it will taste better, ha, Kraft pulled the rug out from under your ass!

I am going to keep this as simple as possible... This shit is NASTY as hell, and not in a nasty ranch type of a way, but in a WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, type of way. I mean the stuff taste nothing like ranch at all. It taste more like Miracle whip with lots of vegetable oil in it. The sad thing is, that the good people over at Kraft show no interest at all in changing the recipe back. I say this because, I went to there message board to write a complaint, only to find that thousands upon thousands have been complaining about the new recipe to no avail. And wait, the kick is, if you call the Kraft hot-line to complain they will send you a coupon for a free bottle of ranch dressing. Talking about a company that is out of touch and soon to be in trouble. I dont play that shit, because I will politely go to the store and change brands.

- J

To V or not to V?


Before I begin this post let me be clear in saying: the following is only MY opinion and in no way is it an effort to sabotage or change anyone's mind set on purchasing V-Magazine.

Ok, well I have been what I guess you can call a "subscriber" to the fashion magazine, V, since spring of 2008. However, because of mismanagement with the good people over at V it took me more than 5 months to receive the mammoth of a magazine.

Before taking the virginity of my first issue of V, which was titled, " By the grace of Goude", and featured legendary model, Grace Jones, on the cover, I realized that most of V's impressiveness was held in it's size alone. Finally, I broke the protective seal and pulled back the first page, and then I flipped to the next, and the next, and I began to realize: The magazine is just mostly adverts. Now, don't get me wrong, it does contain some articles most of which I found to be largely uninteresting.

Needless to say, the best part of the magazine has continued to be the spread the correlates with the cover. And everything else just tends to be, well, just everything else, with most of the adverts repeating from issue to issue. As for the current issue that I have just received (winter 2009-10) I dont even know what is in it, because I have developed the habit of just throwing them into a decorative pile beside my computer.

So, the verdict is in, V magazine is a conversation piece insofar as your speaking to someone who has never seen a magazine it's size before. However, the conversation stops there, with it's innards being largely redundant, and it's centerfolds being just OK, once you have talked about this magazine once, there is simply no need to speak of it again. Ultimately, it's a foreign magazine that has taken on the face of just another boring American magazine.

NOT to V!


- J

Editorial by Hedi Slimane

Hedi Slimane's work has been, and continues to be a major inspiration in my development as a artist. Her black and whites are nothing short of astonishing. The contrast of her black and whites can only be described as extreme, yet some how she manages to balance the transitions from light to dark in a harmonious fashion.
Her skillful use of the tones black, white, and gray stand proof to the saying that, sometimes a black and white image can say so much more than the equivalent in color.





































































- J

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

CHOICES

She is in love with two men. She is in a relationship with one guy but secretly thinks of the other man. Her heart aches when she thinks about what would happen if her current boyfriend were to ever find out about her secret thoughts. Would he leave? Would he stick around and help her get through this phase? That is all it is to her is a phase. She just wants to see the other guy one more time before he gets shipped overseas with the chance that A) she will never see him again or B) he will be married with children and she will forever feel the guilt of what if. She been through a lot with both partners. She has a different type of love for each,none more-so than the other. Yes,she often thinks about the hurt her current partner has caused her in the past and wants that revenge to taste so sweet. But at the same time, she is growing up and knows that such actions will not help her grow in any relationship if she feels the need to hold grudges. She only has a limited time to choose her next move: to sneak away with the other man and having him think that he is the only man, or to let go,move on and just start a new life with her play husband. The choice shall be drastic. One that she must live with. The choice is hers and hers alone.


-S.Jane

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson: Love too late


Today we have witnesses another important marker in history, the passing of Michael Jackson, was not only a shock for many the world over, but hopefully a lesson in life.

Ask yourself: How many times have we as a people failed to pay tribute to someone, or tell them how much we love or appreciate them until it's too late. Michael was a great example of this type of neglect.

For years we have gone on to speculate over aspects of Michael's personal life, by which we could never possibly arrive at any truth. Michael's struggle with the congenital skin disease venaligo was constantly used in jokes by comedians and even amongst people in casual conversation. As more and more rumors surfaced, the farther the global community moved away from the being that was no longer seen as a person, but a sort of symbol that represented what had been.

This is a man who lived a childhood that is incomparable to that of the average American. A childhood that was not filled with cartoons, and afternoon's at the park. Yet, it is mostly the average Americans that scrutinized his methods of dealing with his lack of a childhood.

Now, Jackson has slipped away from us, and along with him goes all if any remaining potential that he possessed. Not to my surprise, the man who many had turned their backs on, will until further notice be the main focus of conversation, as well as the media around us. The universe has somehow realigned itself in the realization of one's mortality. And as a result, kind words flow from peoples mouth's almost as natural as their breath, and everything that is spoken is now somehow tied to how talented and inspiring his existence was.

But why do we wait until it is to late to appreciate one's goodness? Why does death inspire us to look at the good in a person, when yesterday all we could focus on was the negative. Michael Jackson differed from most of us on the outside, and his life experience's were unique to him and only him. But just like all the rest of us, on the inside he was no different. He required love, appreciation, and belonging like all us. This is a man who lived a life fighting for what I believe were those things, and those alone. Instead of us embracing this man, we outcast him along with his pain. Thus he created his own coping mechanism's, in the form of a large amusement park, larger than life bust of superheros, and a home that was inviting to the spirit of children who possessed the childhood which he never experienced.

Michael is gone now, and there is no amount of tributes that will cause our words to fall amongst his deaf ears. So what must we do? We must not let his passing be in vain. From his story we must learn to share with one another how important and significant our existence's are. We must bring one another the joy of knowing that we are TRULY loved and appreciated, not just IDOLIZED. We must take note in the fact that everyone's story is different, and everyone therefore must cope with their pass in their own way. Just as we cannot compare apples to oranges we must remember that we cannot compare ourselves to one another-- we are unique beings, with unique needs.

As far as Michael goes, I believe the worst is over for him. I believe that Heaven is right here on this earth so long as you can find it. And hell exist not in some strange universe, but right here on earth in other people. All I can hope is that in his time on this earth he found at the least some portion Heaven.

In remembrance of Michael-- Love one another!



- J

Aw Michael and Farrah


How come when one person goes, another one goes? This is just like when Bernie Mac passed along with Issac Hayes. This is just devastating, because no one would have ever thought Michael Jackson would pass at the age of 50. Farrah Fawcett passed fighting cancer so many weren't surprised, but at the same time many believed she would pull through.
I heard about Farrah this morning and had to really think like "I know that name!" Then I was like "Charlie's Angels" man! I didn't even know about the cancer thing but I got caught up on it all today. Learning of her death did not affect me as much as learning bout Michael's. At first I was like WHAT?! I checked everything. TMZ confirmed it first, but COME ON! TMZ? So I'm checking the 6 o'clock news, CNN, BET, MTV... and it was finally confirmed. After a lot of confusion, and people making stuff up, like saying he was in a coma because they didn't want anyone to know he was gone, since his family had not been told yet. Deep down I knew. There was too much back and forth, "he's dead", "not dead","in a fatal state", "in a coma"...I knew it, but I did not want to believe it. He was getting his tour kicked off, talking about a comeback album! And my sister... she texts me and says "My boo gone." I am just so sad right now and I don't even know him, but his music touched me. He was the greatest (not one of the greatest) performers of all time and he will be deeply missed. I'm just mad I didn't get a chance to buy the new album that he never got to start.

-Footnote

SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS By: Jonlajoie

This video is one that I have had stashed away for sometime now in anticipation of my first blog.
This video employs all the elements that aid in helping one forget about all the troubles in the world for the short but efficient 2min: 5osecs that it last. I can't even begin to explain the sounds I made when I seen what I guess is supposed to be his hot ride, which is a dull-ish Chevy Lumina, plastered in the background-- reminiscent of rap videos. Hell, but their cars are usually rented, there is no doubt in my mind that this is really his car, so 5 stars for honesty.

Overall, this video is one that I am sure you all will share with your friends and family. All I ask is that when you do it, make sure to send them to LATBU.

P.s. I love when he says: " I can have sex with your personality, and I cant stick my penis in your college degree and I can't shove my FIST in your childhood dreams."

ENJOY!


-J


Vapor is the new smoke!



I have always been opposed to smokers of any sort, rather it be cigarettes, marijuana, cigars, etc. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted my Mother, who is a chain smoker, to drop her undying habit.

So it was only natural when I came across this dandy little invention, that I would be interested in learning more. The Blu electronic cigarette claims that it has the same effect on smokers as traditional cigarettes, but minus the smoke and tar. Blu uses an atomizer to transfer the stimulant in a harmless water vapor.

As we all may know, smokers are addicted to the stimulant nicotine, however the by products from burning the tobacco have been proven to have adverse medical affects on the users as well as bystanders over extended periods of time. With Blu smokers can harness the "buzz" that they get from nicotine, without all the problems that come with tobacco.

Most impressive is the fact that Blu electronic cigarettes can be used anywhere because they do not produce the infamous "2nd hand smoke" that their predecessors are known for. Surprisingly the company claims that using this product will save you money over the long run (75%), do to the claim that 5-packs of Blu E-cigarettes is equal to 75 traditional cigarettes.
So, after a little independent research on the net I decided to order a starter-kit for my Mother.


-J


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The HeRoy

So I got my bf (boyfriend), right? And his friend, we shall call him, HeRoy. Well my bf seems to act like HeRoy is his bf. Everything my bf do he has to include HeRoy.When he takes a shit, HeRoy has to be there to hold his fucking hand. It's fucking sick and ridiculous. I know my bf isn't gay but it seems to be a bit weird that he always calls HeRoy whenever something happens. Maybe I'm just cold-hearted or anti-social, but I don't feel the need to contact my friends on every little thing that happens. Engagement, marriage, pregnancy or death will be the only times you will hear any kind of news from me! I'm not like: DUDE, I JUST MADE A TURD THE SIZE OF ALASKA, YOUSE GOT TO COME CHECK IT OUT! AND THEN LET'S GET WASTED AND SIT ON MY Girlfriend's PORCH AND GET ON HER FUCKING NERVES. Uh, no! As I speak someone is sucking someone's ball sack right now on my porch. I think it's funny. All I can do is laugh.

Until next time.

- S. Jane

Life: Deep thoughts by

Sigh, I don't even know where to start. My life is still full of surprises and goals that I want to achieve. The things that I see going on in the lives of my friends and family, lets me further know that I have to do things the right way in my life. I'm so sick of seeing girls fighting over men that are in jail that don't want their ass. I'm so sick of seeing my female friends getting manipulated and abused by their baby daddies and husbands. I'm sick of hearing about people cheating on each other when they got it good in the home-life. I'm so sick of women feeling like their vagina's are sex banks for men to make deposits in. I may not know much, and I may not have the answers to everything, but I do know what I don't want. I'm 24 years young, no children (thank god!) and getting my college education. I having a steady job, and while it may not be the normal 9-5, I can say that I am proud of myself to have kept a job as long as I have. I have gone from being a single black female, to having a bacholerette pad, back to a single black female playing house with niggas from time to time, to being in a loving relationship with a man that I love dearly. I think I am doing a damn good job! I have a lot to look forward to in my life and I hope to share that with him. I have things to work on with myself, God( or whatever it is) is not done with me. But I will not give up on me.



-S. Jane

The Terminator of Mecedes Benzs

This car is hot in more ways than one... The moment I seen it I experienced a slight erection! Its gentle yet demanding curves, its silky smooth yet almost molten looks, and Lord do those blue accent lights set the mood or what? I just wanna touch it, I don't even have to get in, just let me touch it!

-J





Monday, June 22, 2009

The thirst we must quinch





Why is it that I can't get on Myspace and check what my friends wrote me without getting messages like this:


Message from : MICK

Spam/Report Abuse SpamReport AbuseBlock Usermyspace.com/451298213
To: THE OHFISHALL PAGE... Date: Jun 15, 2009 8:11 PM
Subject: Body: What's up? No we dont know each other. I am not from around here and in town for a few weeks on business. I am look to meet a fun girl with no strings attached. You up for some fun?"



I'm like are you serious? No for real, I asked him if he was serious, and I also said no thanks. Is it really that hard to get some butt around here? Do these niggas know how many people there are in the world with AIDS? Why do we have to look for stuff like "love" or companionship on Myspace and Craigslist? Shit, I'd rather find someone on the street and get shut down before meeting someone on the net. Have we stopped watching the news? The crimes from people meeting up after talking on the internet is still high people! We now have the "Craigslist killer", the teachers who sell themselves online, and we still have those nasty old men (and now young men) who are meeting our children in person . Meeting people in person is dangerous too, don't get me wrong, but I feel like if you're that desperate to where you need to find a booty call online, then life is not for you!

Are we really that thirsty? If you are then grab a Sprite, and please do not hit me up because I do not do online-booty-calls. And why is there a site called onlinebootycall.com? Somebody sent me an invite and I browsed the page and seen my Daughter's Dad and cracked up laughing. LETS BE SERIOUS?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Must see: Drag Me to Hell


I am a huge fan of horror flicks, but as many of my fellow horror connoisseurs know, horror films just are plain terrible these days. Either they are not scary, have a terrible storyline that leaves you asking, what happened or they just seem incredibly low budget, or the movie is well funded and full of special effects and everything else ends there.

Well, I will be the first to say that, Drag Me to Hell is one of the few horror flicks to break the that mold in 2009. The film ingeniously pairs thrills, chills, and comedy into a well polished package that will send most home very satisfied. And one thing is for sure, by the end of this film we will all know that if we are ever work at a bank: Never deny an extension to an old gypsy women with a blind eye, fucked up teeth, and a bad case of leprosy of the hands.

Who likes free shit ? I do!


Captain D's is definitely touching me in all the right places with these free food coupons they have been sending me online. Even though I am the kind of person who like's to keep a sweet hard deal to myself, I figured I would go ahead and spoil y'all.

Captain D's has a special members' club called "D's club," when you sign up for the club you will receive a free 2-piece fish dinner, and for my fellow college students that is a $4.99 savings. But wait a damn minute, the free shit don't stop there. On your birthday they give you a free dinner, which means anything up to $8.99 minus premium sides. And on other holidays like mother's day and father's day you get coupons as well.

But, if you are like me you can keep the coupons for yourself, besides you are the one bruising your fingertips to get it.


Get your free shit now: Captain D's




-J

BANG BANG skeet skeet: Compliments of Craiglist



What has the world come to when people resort to hooking up over the electronic equivalent of an newspaper? For those who wonder what I am talking about:The ugly duckling, Craiglist.Org, which could be called the 21st centuries new classified section, is leading the way in what I like to call, THE NEW AMERICAN PASS TIME.

For sometime now, hooking up over the internet has gained increasing popularity by the means of social networks and the infamous chat-room. But, open your eyes a little wider and you will start to realize that people are trying to find love or maybe a midnight fling in the most unlikely places.
Craigslist now has a "Personals" section where anybody who is looking for love, desperate, horny or just plain lonely can come to satisfiy all their personal needs. Once you choose from one of the nine sub-sections, ranging from "strictly platonic" to "Rants and raves" your hoisted off to a disclaimer screen that boast the same, a 6th grader made me, look that complimets the rest of the site.

The real entertainment doesn't start until you see how serious these people really are. Take for example, this post by a 43 year-old, soon to be divorced, mother of 3:

SOON TO BE SINGLE LADY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL - 43

"I am currently going through a divorce because my husband cannot stay faithful. I have 3 children, 2 of which still live at home. I am a teacher and I love to read, take walks, spend time at home. watch movies, spend time with my kids and so much more. I am looking for someone that is NOT into head games, has good morals, professional, employed, respectful and loves kids. I would love to hear from you. "


Good morals, professional, employed, respectful, and loves kids? It seems like a far cry to exspect all of this from a man who found you on craigslist. right?

I guess it all depends on who you are and what you believe strongly in. Some people believe that love can be found in the strangest places, while some believe that you can be looking for love in all the wrong places. Obviously, Craiglist.org believes that love can be found in a string of words, a few sleazy pictures , and the click of a mouse.